How to give pills to cats and dogs

Sorry folks, but I couldn't resist! This is too funny, and so true.

To fully appreciate the article, you must read all the way to the end. Trust me, it's worth it.

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CATS



1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holdinga baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat'smouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in righthand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouthand swallow.

2. Remove pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in leftarm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rearpaws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back ofmouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Remove pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Callspouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front andrear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold headfirmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pilldown ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Makenote to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shatteredfigurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head justvisible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, forcemouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beerto take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove bloodfrom carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open anotherbeer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave headshowing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throatwith elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply coldcompress to cheek and check records for data of last tetanus jab. Applywhiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throwaway T-shirt and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across theroad. Apologize to the neighbor who crashed into fence while swervingto avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twineand bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruninggloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filletsteak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of waterdown throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to theemergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearmand removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on wayhome to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local petshop to see if they have any hamsters.




DOGS



1. Wrap it in bacon.

Bow Lingual -- Want to Know what your Dog is trying to Tell You?

Hang on to the leash, 'cause I'm about to introduce you to the coolest high-tech doggie device on the market, and at a price you won't believe...

If you ever wondered what your dog was trying to tell you, wonder no more! With Bow Lingual, your dog finally has a voice.

This innovative product analyzes your dog's barks to determine what he or she is feeling. Pre-programmed for over 80 common breeds and over 200 translations, it uses voice print and behavior analysis developed in the renowned Japan Acoustic Laboratory

Although most people view this dog lover gift as a high tech toy, others take it quite seriously:

The Japanese government believes so much in the technology that when Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi visited Russian President Vladimir Putin, he gave him two Bow-Linguals as gifts to use on the Russian leader's two dogs. Not exactly the moment for a gag gift.

Oh yeah, Bow-Lingual comes in two colors, red and navy, so you can talk to at least two dogs at time. (They run on different frequencies so there's no interference).

The translator detects 6 different emotions and pairs each one with an appropriated phrase.

"Mark Patinkin of the Providence Journal is a believer:" "... I held up the stick but refused to throw it. (My dog) got peeved and let me know it. Translation: "C'mon, play with me." I still wouldn't throw. "Just listen to me," he said. I continued to hold back the stick. He barked again: "Can't you hear me?" Finally, I threw it. Right hand to God, the translation came out as, "We're having fun now."

My experience? Well, just the other day, Cleo asked me if I could make the cats go away. (More or less!). I think it's great fun.

Not interested in what Fido has to say? Bow Lingual has other modes:

Home Alone mode allows you to record your dog's barks when you have to be away, helping you spot dog health issues or identify behavioral problems that can be corrected with dog training. The MBF Score shows what kind of a friend you've been to your Man's Best Friend. Body Language mode is used along with the Bark Translator to understand your dog's body language and behavior. Training mode provides tips and advice on how dog training can help you beat the ten most common dog behavior problems experienced by owners.

Here's Where it Really Gets Good...

Voted by Time Magazine as one of the best inventions of 2002, Bow-Lingual was originally available only in Japan, where it sold for around $100

Now you can buy it in the US, where it goes for as much as $129.(But that's not what you're going to pay. Not even close!)

Right now, all the major retailers are running sales on the Bow-Lingual. This seems to have started a major price war (Don't you love those? I just flew from Boston to LA for $85. But that's another story).

The best price? At PETCO, for only $12.99! That's 70% off retail, and they sold out of them over the Holidays. If you find they've run out again, you can also get Bow Lingual at PetSmart, for $14.99